You guys, I look at this banner image and actually feel bad for Topher Grace. That’s how bad this is. Just imagine if they combined ALL YOUR FAVORITE F*CKED-OUT ROM-COM PLOTS into ONE SOULLESS VACCUUM OF A CHARDONNAY FART?!?

THIS SUMMER! KATHERINE HEIGL QUEEFS INTO YOUR EYES, EARS, AND MOUTH! ROBERT DENIRO’S AGENT TRADES HIS LAST SHRED OF CREDIBILITY FOR AN EIGHT-BALL! AMANDA SEYFRIED SOMETHING SOMETHING DONKEY NOISE!

My God, this piece of sh*t has everything:

• Ex-Husbands and ex-wives rekindling their love!
• Having to fake a relationship for the disapproving in-laws!
• Cultural misunderstandings at a wedding!
• Inappropriate painting of a lover!
• Best friends fighting over a man!
• Characters constantly overreacting to things!

Oh my God, you don’t think Susan Sarandon would spike Robert DeNiro’s food with anything… do you?!?! I mean what if she spiked his filet with Viagra and he started knocking stuff over with his boner? It would be a disaster, especially with that big meeting he has coming up with the Japanese! His livelihood depends on it!

And let’s not forget, the last time Robin Williams hilariously played a priest in a Rom-Com (License to Wed, 2007, starring Mandy Moore, John Krasinski, and a robot baby – seriously, a robot baby), The Guardian described it thusly:

“Josef Goebbels had a home movie made of the failed 1944 Hitler assassins being hanged from meathooks with piano wire. It probably had more laughs, more fun, more feelgood moments than this family comedy.” –The Guardian

So sure, why wouldn’t we want to remind people of that? Serious discussion question: do you think the people who write these rom-coms are conscious of all the movies they’re ripping off when they write them, or is it simply a case of mediocre minds thinking alike?

God, look at her. Making people suffer through awful movies is like an aphrodisiac to her.