“So I says to the guy, I says, Lemme check your oil!”

Opening Everywhere: Promised Land

Already Opened Everywhere: Django Unchained, Les Misérables, Parental Guidance

FilmDrunk Suggests: Vince, of course, loved Django Unchained so much that he gave it his “Best Movie of the Year” honor over Magic Mike, which is a joke, because there wasn’t a better movie made than Magic Mike in 2012. Seriously, go watch every movie that was made this year and tell me if any of them were better than Magic Mike. I’ll wait. It’s this or work.

Wait, why isn’t he looking at the camera?

Promised Land

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 49% critics, 39% audience (That’s awful, mind you.)

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“It’s as if the people behind Promised Land only agreed to make the movie if there was an unambiguous ‘policy statement’ at the end, and that’s what we’re subjected to.” – James Berardinelli, ReelViews (See? I’m tired of that crap.)

“‘Promised Land’ is a fine place to start appreciating Matt Damon, who always makes it seem as if everybody else is acting and he’s just going through the movie being natural.” – Mick LaSalle, San Francisco Chronicle (Wait, what? To start appreciating Matt Damon? Yeah, because we all hate him and his All-American charm so much. He’s so underrated. *wankfest*)

Armchair Analysis: You know, I’ve seen the commercial for this movie a few times and I don’t really get what it’s about, so let’s turn to the official plot synopsis, shall we?

Promised Land is the new contemporary drama directed by Gus Van Sant (Good Will Hunting, Milk). Matt Damon plays Steve Butler, an ace corporate salesman who is sent along with his partner, Sue Thomason (Frances McDormand), to close a key rural town in his company’s expansion plans. With the town having been hit hard by the economic decline… ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

That said, please join me on my new campaign, Only Happy Movies in 2013. Seriously, I’m tired of the sad reminders that people are miserable. Unless it’s a movie about this German dude who was almost motorboated to death, because I’d watch that.

PEEKABOO!

Django Unchained

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 89% critics, 93% audience, 0% Spike Lees

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“Wildly extravagant, ferociously violent, ludicrously lurid and outrageously entertaining, yet also, remarkably, very much about the pernicious lunacy of racism and, yes, slavery’s singular horrors.” – Joe Morgenstern, Wall Street Journal

“The players are in fine form. But the movie he’s embroiled them all in is a hit-and-miss affair, at times an amusing reimagining of history, more often a blood-spattered bore.” – Roger Moore, McClatchy-Tribune News Service

Armchair Analysis: I feel like that at this point in the game, if you walk into a Quentin Tarantino movie expecting a masterpiece, per the classic cinema definition, then you’re on your own if you hated it. Like most of my peers, I love QT and I’ve even been enjoying a renewed appreciation of Pulp Fiction this week. Expect the ridiculous and absurd, and you will always enjoy a Tarantino film. Except Jackie Brown. That one is still a dud. Oh, and Death Race.

Les Misérables

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 72% critics, 86% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“We’re all familiar with the experience of seeing movies that cram ideas and themes down our throats. Les Misérables may represent the first movie to do so while also cramming us down the throats of its actors.” – Dana Stevens, Slate

“Committed fans of the musical are likely to have their affections reaffirmed. The less devout, however, may conclude that in this case more is less, and fidelity not always a virtue.” – Christopher Orr, The Atlantic

Armchair Analysis: I have nothing to say that can be said better than Vince’s incredible Smash Mouth review. The only thing I ask of him is that he changes this site’s reviews to an all 90s cock rock format. Coming next week: Guilt Trip set to Sugar Ray’s “Fly”.

“We’re here to take a dump on your eyeballs!”

Parental Guidance

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 17% critics, 68% audience (That’s way too high on the audience side.)

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“One of those intergenerational embarrassment comedies in the Meet the Fockers line, where children can enjoy seeing grown-ups looking ridiculous.” – Liam Lacey, Globe and Mail

“An extended ‘in my day’ joke intended to convey the superiority of old people over a lot of supposedly contemporary behavior that doesn’t actually exist in real life.” – Chris Packham, Village Voice (By the way, “Pack ham” is excellent road trip advice.)

Armchair Analysis: I purposely rushed my Worst Movies of 2012 feature to avoid this movie. I would write more about why, but I thoroughly enjoyed Dustin’s “review” at Pajiba, so I will let him speak for me.

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